Category: meditations

Going Underground

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A few weekends ago there was a freeze warning here in Nashville. It was a little early in the season, but I bought some bulbs way back in August, so I figured it was about time I dug some trenches and put those puppies in the ground. 

Planting bulbs in the fall is a strange experience because you are getting ready for an event that is months away. It’s only October, and with two months left in the year, that means there’s at least 3 months before any of those plants start to make their way above the ground. 

But to plan my garden, I have to envision what those potential flowers are going to become–12 inch bushes or 16 inch spikes or towering 30-inch pillars. Where will each of these go? Where will they look best and get the right amount of light?  

Turns out this planning went out the window after a while, because I had so many bulbs. If you’ve ever spent some time on your knees putting bulbs into the ground, you know it’s not a job to extend. 

As I was digging, placing, covering, placing , and covering some more, I began to think how much the act of gardening is like my meditation practice. There’s the immediate effect of, “gosh, this feels good” when the action is complete. I feel accomplished and happy for checking a job off my list. And of course there are the immediate physical benefits of both actions. 

The best part of both is the surprise. Just when you can’t handle winter any longer, daffodils begin to sprout. Those cool late spring rains bring the tulips up and remind you that summer is nearly here, the sun is almost out. 

Same thing with meditation. When you feel like life is dark, the practice can give you insight. When you might otherwise fly off the handle in anger, the practice brings distance and peace. It surprises you with changes when you least expect. 

How do you plant your garden(in your yard or in your mind!)? Leave tips in the comments!

Self-Serving for the Sake of Sanity

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The joys of home ownership include gutters and neighbors and broken lawnmowers and reorganizing cupboards and quiet times alone. Life is beginning to settle down around our place, but that means that real life is also creeping back in. The real world always comes knocking eventually, right?

Because there is a real world out there that includes work and friends and stress, I have struggled to return to a routine. I know I write about this a lot, but I believe that a self-serving routine is one of the most important pieces of happiness.

Please don’t misunderstand my meaning of the term “self-serving.” I don’t mean selfish. I don’t mean ignoring family or work responsibilities for fun activities. This sort of self-serving is not healthy and doesn’t generally lead to real contentment.

By self-serving, I mean ensuring that your oxygen mask is in place before you help others. This can take the form of taking reflective moments for yourself before you try to deal with other people when they want to load their problems on you. Feeding your need for physical movement, or for flexing your creative muscle. These impulses, if ignored for too long, can result in mental fatigue.

The symptoms of mental fatigue I recognize in myself when I go too long without serving myself are a shorter fuse, an increased irritability, and a decreased ability to combat irrational thoughts. When I see myself acting in these ways, I like the person I present to the world a little less, and my overall contentment decreases.

So, to keep myself happy, and in turn present a better self to the world (it sounds trite, but appearances matter, right?), I do what I can to get 8 hours of sleep a night. I know, it’s a lot and God knows what will happen if I end up having children, but I have compulsively cried many fewer times when I sleep well. In addition, I try to journal or write every day. This feeds my creative needs. I got a fitbit a while ago, and it makes me more aware of my overall movement.

Most of all, I am trying to forgive myself when I can’t make all of the things happen. It’s important to try to stay on top of responsibilities, but it’s also good for one’s mental health to practice routine forgiveness. This is the most self-serving practice of all, and the most important. Sometimes it’s the most difficult to learn, too.

What are your self-serving activities? Share in the comments! I’d love to try some new ones!

Catching Up, Checking In

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It’s been 75 days since my last post, and I’m feeling it.

The summer is gone, I’m in a new house (eeee!), I have hardly written or kept a routine for the intervening 2.5 months. That being said, excuse this post for being scattered.

Last weekend I went on a second writer retreat with my writing group. As was expected, we got very little writing done, but much talking and fun was had by all. More importantly, we got to re-establish where we were going as a group.

When you write (or do anything) as an individual, you can set your own pace. I get to write or ignore my characters as much as I want to, and the only person whose feelings I have to worry about are my own. If I put off writing a blog post, it’s not like my followers are going to rise up against me. You may be disappointed that I’m not here to brighten your day, but I can handle that kind of disappointment. I don’t kid myself into believing that I’m really all that important.

But, when you work on a group project, you have to deal with egos and schedules, with points of view and disagreements. You have to be flexible. When people don’t act in the way you want them to, maybe you can have some empathy, try to understand why they are acting (or reacting) in the ways they are.

This past weekend with my writing group helped me remember that sometimes it’s important to step back and remember why you came together as a group in the first place. Conflict doesn’t have to break us, and it is unavoidable, but it doesn’t have to break our relationships. It can make us stronger. Our group came together because we wanted to write and be more creative, but we also wanted to support one another. These were the original goals for our group, and when we left our little cabin on Sunday morning, we hoped that these goals would help to bring us together again.

I don’t really have any deep meaning, I just wanted to share a little something. Hope you’re having a wonderful day, and go outside!

“Open your eyes to all the love around you” (Dove chocolate wrapper wisdom for your Monday).

The Constant Questions & My New(ish) Answer

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There are so many times during the day that I take stock of things.  I often ask myself, “am I happy with this? Does this make me feel good? How did that go? Why did I say that?” Perhaps this is part of my anxious nature, and maybe some of it is just a human need to test the balance of the world around me and myself in it.

What I like to remind myself to stay conscious of is my internal monologue as I answer those questions. Not just, “Why did I say that?” but also, “it’s ok that you did.”

This is part of my learning to love myself a little bit more each day. A new acceptance of self that has been troublesome in the past. I championed the individuals around me, while I beat myself down for the smallest inconsistencies. My new mantra is, “It’s ok.”

So, I’m short with the guy behind the counter: it’s ok.

I don’t get up in time to meditate this morning: it’s ok.

I let myself eat cheese or meat or have one too many beers: it’s ok.

Because, after all, life is short. Worrying about whether I came off as mean to that guy behind the counter isn’t worth my time. I want to be a good person, by my level of goodness doesn’t entirely depend on my tone of voice with the guy behind the counter at the store. I want to be a person of good habits, but sometimes my sleep and a longer morning cuddle session is more important for my mental state than a morning meditation. C’est la vie! And sticking to a diet, OMG. Get over that one quick. If I had a nickel…

It’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok. Don’t try harder later, just accept that today is good. It’s not revolutionary advice. Lots of other people have said it. But ya know what? It’s ok.

Staying Focused in the Hurricane

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It’s been a full two weeks since my last post. In that time, so many things in my life have changed. My car went in for and out of the repair shop. My husband and I started looking for, found, and offered money for (that was accepted, yay!) a little house of our own. He and I also started a new vegan lifestyle that has changed the way we look at our eating habits and how we cook.

During this time, I started taking the bus to work. Turns out Nashville has a regular, well-run, clean and fast mass-transit (bus) system! Taking the bus meant that I either had to get out of bed earlier, get to work later, or lose a lot of my me-time in the middle.

You’ve heard this story before: it’s like If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, but with your needs. If you don’t have a car, you have to take the bus. If you take the bus, you have to make time to walk to the stop. If you walk to the stop, you have to cut out meditation. If you cut out meditation, you start to feel icky. If you start to feel icky, you have to be on guard for self-medicating behavior.

I was lucky to stay on a semi-schedule because I have to get up for work, and I have a wonderful, supportive husband who is willing to help me stay on track. I also was able to take a few minutes to meditate while walking to the bus or driving home from work when I borrowed the car.

What I have been missing is my morning routine of journal, yoga, meditation that has kept me so grounded for the past few months. The struggle to stay balanced and happy not only depends on the things you do, but how you view the struggles you’re presented with.

So, how do you stay focused on staying well in the middle of upheaval? What do you focus on (or ignore!)? Let me know in the comments!

Time Investment and Relationships

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Last week I traveled to Buffalo, NY, to visit friends from high school. These ladies were not those I considered my best friends for much of high school. We didn’t have a ton of classes together and we didn’t engage in a lot of activities after school together, either.

What made these relationships different was that when we went away later in life, to college, to jobs, to other cities, we always found ways to make time for one another.

So now, 15 (yup, that long!) years since we graduated high school, we still make time for one another at least once a year. I live in Nashville and my ladies live in Buffalo, but they come down here or I fly up there. My parents no longer live in Rochester, where we all went to high school, so that makes visits more difficult because we don’t have the holidays to share with one another.

When I started this post–two weeks ago as I was thinking about my journey to Buffalo–I was thinking about how the time and resource investment is what makes these relationships special. There are friends of mine from that same period in my life that are visiting Nashville this week, but although we were close then and follow one another on social media now, we haven’t made the requisite time investment to see one another recently.

This is what changes people in your life from acquaintances to friends and from friends to family: the amount of time you invest into your relationships. Your Significant Other becomes the most important person in your life, and eventually a member of your family (if you’re lucky) because the two of you invest time in building your relationship. Remember that “best friend” you had once upon a time? You spent all that time together and really connected because you spent that time together. There may have been some initial chemistry in any of these relationships, but the investment is really what will carry them through.

When people say “Relationships are work,” sometimes they mean that one has to make compromises and do things one doesn’t want to do, but more than that, on a basic level, relationships require investments of time and attention. What do you invest your time in, and in whom do you invest? Contemplating (and actually answering!) these sorts of questions are a path to happiness.

So: who and what?!

A Moment for Mindfulness

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Mindfulness is a big trend amongst the happiness gurus lately, and for good reason. Our lives have become so busy that we tend to multi-task everything. We drive while talking on the phone, email while composing tweets, watch TV while checking our Pinterest and Facebook and watching the kids and helping with homework and cooking dinner. All of this doesn’t make us stronger, but in fact drains attention away from each task.

Add in the constant narration of anxiety and worry that some of us have running through our heads, and there’s hardly any rational space left. This can lead to those spiraling negative thoughts while cleaning the pots and pans (one of my personal traps), vacuuming the floors or mowing the lawn. I find that my brain goes out of control when I perform a repetitive task that involves silence or white noise.

In order to combat this brain-drain, we have to train ourselves to concentrate on a single task or thought. On-the-mat meditation helps, but the practice of mindfulness in situ is also useful.

Mindfulness is simply the awareness of your current task to the exclusion of all others.

One easy mindfulness exercise is to practice mindful walking. This can be done just standing up from your desk to go to the bathroom; you don’t need to spend a long time practicing this. Here are some directions:

1. While still sitting in your chair, put your feet flat on the floor. Feel your feet in your shoes, the shoes on the floor, your seat in the chair, your back resting in the chair.

2. Prepare to stand by placing your hands on the arms of your chair (if you have them) or the seat of the chair next to your bum. Feel the ground in the 4 corners of your feet and down through the palms of your hand. Try not to lock out your elbows, as you will need to push up out of the chair (and it’s just bad for your joints).

3. Push up to a standing position, slowly enough to feel your joints and muscles stretch. Feel your bones take your weight, move the weight of your body through your feet and balance yourself into all 4 corners of your feet. Stretch up to the ceiling if you need to now.

4. Letting your arms hang naturally by your side, pick up a foot, and begin walking. It may feel strange at first, to notice how you walk. Do you put your heel down first, or your toes? When does your back heel come up in relation to your front foot going down? How do your arms swing?

5. Don’t forget to breathe! Keep walking and feeling your feet moving. Feel how your leg bones work together with your abdominal muscles and your arms and all the muscles in your body.

As always, start slowly. You will want to only try this for a few minutes at first. But as you get better, transfer this ability to other tasks. I love to use this method while gardening, as it helps me to feel connected to the earth. When have you used mindfulness in your life?

Meditation | OMG I just can’t sit for that long

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Whenever I share with others that I meditate, which is not often, I get one of a few responses:

a. meditation saved my life

b. I can’t sit still/quiet my mind for that long

c. huh (disinterested glazed-over look)

d. I wish I could do that, but I don’t have the time/the energy/the patience

I used to try to convince those who showed interest that meditation really was a wonderful thing, that it has saved my life, that it has made me a better, more patient and forgiving person, that it was easy, that it was worth the time spent, and that they could do it, too.

And then, one day, I remembered that I don’t like to be preached to. I don’t like anyone else telling me about their conversion experiences. Real change must find its own way to you. It took me three years of therapy and lots of missteps to actually commit to sitting down on the mat (or pillow, or chair, or whatever) and trying to do nothing for just a little while.

So, if it’s just not worked before or you’ve just been too scared/tired/busy to try, here’s some advice I’ve gathered over the years:

1. If you can sit quietly for one minute, then you can meditate. Start small. Don’t expect too much from yourself. No one’s ever been the world’s best meditator, so really, do not put so much pressure on yourself!

2. Try a bunch of different types of meditation: guided, counting, breathing, walking. Also, try different body positions: sitting, standing, laying down, working with props. One of these will be your favorite, your baseline. Others you’ll use for those days you feel wonky or weird. Try them all, it’s good to have a bunch of tools at your disposal. Don’t expect that your brand of bliss is going to look like mine.

3. Read as much as you can on the subject. It’s good to know that other people are having just as much trouble (and success) as you are! It may also give you great ideas for mantras or intentions to guide your practice.

4. Not every time you sit on the mat is going to be life-changing. Sometimes, you’re going to get up before your timer is done. Sometimes you are going to chase your thoughts. Sometimes you are going to feel icky and bad. Remember, meditation is a practice. It is what makes every other part of your life (the game!) a little bit better.

5. Meditation is not about clearing the mind (h/t theyogadoer). You are going to have thoughts. You are human! Meditation is the time to say “Yup, there that thought is. I think that sometimes,” and then, in the immortal words of Elsa, “Let It Go!”

6. Have a focus in mind when you sit down.The focus is that place you snap back to when you realize you’ve been making the grocery list or thinking about what your hair would look like another color or how you’re going to deal with that guy at work.  Some people find that just following the flow of their breathing is helpful. Others find that repeating a mantra with their breath (“I’m Okay” is a favorite suggestion from my long-time friend and life coach Meg Cline) helps to focus their practice. If you’re working in a guided meditation, follow the leader’s prompts.

No pressure, though.

What’s in Your Jug?

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I have an app on my phone called “Buddha.” All it does is give me sage little nuggets of advice, proverbs and aphorisms that I think about during my day. I had one recently that I can’t get out of my head:

A jug fills drop by drop.

Ok. So, depending on whether you’re a half-full or half-empty kind of kid, or maybe somewhere in between, this can feel like a boost or a weight.

The way I see it is that your jug, your life, is filled with drops. Sometimes there is a steady stream of them and sometimes they come slowly. Some of these drops are sweet and some are bitter, but eventually they’re going to fill that jug.

I don’t have much to add except for a question: What is in your jug?

Perfect is the Enemy

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It has been said, by people much wiser than I, that perfect is the enemy of good. Perfect is also the enemy of getting started, or going anywhere, or finishing or anything else, really. Because perfect is fear-inducing. Perfect is impossible.

So, with that, I begin. Because waiting isn’t the hardest part, it’s the fear and the worry and all the other stuff that keeps us from living a small and centered life. By waiting until the time is right, we can miss out on all the good things we never knew could happen. By trying to schedule things into the perfect time and the perfect place, we lose the spontaneity of the moment, the joy of the center, and the fun of exploration.

This blog isn’t about anything in particular. It’s about everything. It’s about my favorite things and my worries. It’s about my fears and my loves. It’s about the things that brighten my day and those that stand in the way of my happiness. You’re not going to find amazing make-up tutorials here. You’re not going to see beautiful pictures of mountaintops and lovely party-ready tables.

You may find something here that makes you think, however. I hope you find a little peace here. I hope you gain some courage to take a step in your own life. And I hope maybe once in a while, I’ll make you laugh.

This life is beautiful. Enjoy it!